suchasoftersin's Xanga

::attention::

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 15:36:59 GMT

...I have moved my thought and other new adventures to here

so there once was this blog...

Fri, 29 May 2009 04:40:35 GMT

...that this chick just ignored and mistreated quite painfully. Silly things like school, and work, and kids, and school kept getting in the way of their very special relationship. Then, even after silly things went away for the summer (well, that would only be school), a great multitude of new silly things like new reading lists, and starting businesses, and planning coursework to teach in the next school year cropped up to replace the former silly thing's place.

So after all of the substitution subsided, this chick found herself even busier than before. And she also realized that her poor, sad little blog will more likely than not continue to be ignored for quite a few of the summer months.

~~The end.~~

Summer Reading List (...fool)

|Unceasing Worship| by H.M. Best

|How People Change| by T.S. Lane and P.D. Tripp

|Just Do Something| by K. DeYoung

|Back for Seconds| by P. Bowerman

|Downtown Owl: A Novel & Chuck Klosterman IV: A Decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas| by C. Klosterman

|A Beautiful Blue Death| by C. Finch

...and that's it for now. Notice how much cooler it sounds when one puts initials instead of the whole name? Yea, I thought so too.

[A.T. Wright]

in the early morning hours...

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 04:17:58 GMT

I'm really glad God is in the business of redeeming the pitiful, ugly, depressing things of life. If he were not, I can't really imagine what my life would look like.

I sang my two year old to sleep tonight. He hasn't let that happen in...oh...two years.

ChloeLise is here. And beautiful. And treasured. And she looks so entirely like her daddy and brother.

One year left. Just one year of slavery to an institution of higher learning remains. (At least until graduate work begins)

Substitute teaching? We'll see about that.

All I can say is that this is such an awkward season. And it has been a string of "awkward" seasons for quite some time.

So blessed - very blessed - to have incredible and amazing friends.

My mommy and daddy make me smile, even when they don't intend to.

I am not satisfied with merely the good things, any longer. I want the best.

Dave Ramsey is the boss.

King of Glory, I know you love me -- so I will trust you. Yes, I will trust you.

"only God can judge me"...not merely a popular tattoo

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 04:18:53 GMT

| journal musings, part IV |

Write the vision;
make it plain on tablets,
so he may run who reads it.
For still the vision awaits its appointed time;
it hastens to the end—it will not lie.
If it seems slow, wait for it;
it will surely come; it will not delay.

(Habbakuk 2:2-3)

The last few months have been spent in the heat of the refining fires. There was so much muck and grime around my heart that needed to be burned away, that I knew there would be many hard things God would "bring up" in order to cleanse from unrighteousness. What I was unaware of until just recently, however, was that the lesson I required the most had little to do with my sin on first appearace - but everything to do with my greatest need, at heart.

For so long, in so many ways, I've relied on the support and opinion (and yes, approval) of those close to me in order to make my own decisions. What is given as a means of grace - the counsel and wisdom of godly people close by - I formed into an idol. And as that idol grew in stature, it made little idol babies in the form of a real fear of man and a genuine insecurity in my worth in Christ.

And so, of course, God in infinite wisdom used this time when I was already weak and laid bare to strip away that one last vestige of self-sufficiency: my ability to rely on other people. To clarify: I do not mean these people were absent or unwilling to surround me. What God removed was my personal ability to be dependent on approval from others.

But God...what sweet words!...true to his marvelous character, did not merely save me from something - he saved me to something. The excruciating process of having my Savior peel away each layer of codependency and fear of man gave way to a new and enthralling freedom; I am released to rely on the One with the opinion that only, ultimately, matters. The glory that he is due, I can now (by grace) ascribe to his name each time I judge my thoughts and actions first by Scripture, instead of turning to God after I've already gathered everyone else's two cents.

The vision will surely come; it will not delay. And with the delicious freedom to stand before God, the only one who judges all things, I find it's quite delightful to pursue this vision without shackles or inhibitions.

...utterly known...

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 00:07:39 GMT

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword,
piercing to the divsion of soul and spirit,
of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions
of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight,
but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must
give an account.

(Hebrews 4:11-13)

There's a very strange but strikingly real comfort to knowing that God sees me utterly exposed, without any of my "protections". Nothing hidden in the depths of my heart is unkown or unsearched; God has total access to it all. Even to those things I wish at times I could tuck away from his view.

But there's rich freedom in such spiritual nakedness, because it abolished all pretensions and airs -- leaving me before my Savior as I am. Needy, thirsty, bedraggled, spent, without good works of my own. I sit at his feet the quintessential "Ragamuffin", and in that place recognize there's no better place to be filled.

some things, you just won't ever fathom.

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 23:31:55 GMT

| journal musings, part III |

from Suffering and the Sovereignty of God:

"...before God made the world he had in view Jesus Christ slain, and he had in view a people purchased
by his blood written in the book. Therefore, the suffering of Jesus was not an afterthought, as though
the work of creation did not go the way God planned. Before the foundation of the world God had a book
called the book of life of the Lamb that was slain. The slaying of the Lamb was in view before the work of
creation began."

one advantage i had, growing up a church kid, was to hear teaching on difficult doctrines at various times throughout my life. so coming across this passage was not one of the earth-shattering moments believers experience at different parts of their life. but there's a grand difference between hearing something as a child and hearing it again (or to be literal, reading it again) as an adult.

...the suffering of Jesus was not an afterthought...it was God's plan, all along, to allow his Son to endure the full suffering of Calvary; the full physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual agony that filled him was in the design all along. not just planned in the middle of a night, with the sin of man and the depravity of the world in full view - planned before anything was created, before the fall of man, when it was true to say, "And it was good."

in the words of all infomercial announcers, everywhere: but wait, there's more...

"Everything - everything - that Christ accomplished for us sinners he accomplished by suffering.
Everything that we will ever enjoy will come to us because of suffering."

lamentations 3:32-33 reads: Though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men.

...i cannot wrap my head around it, in full, but i can begin to see how a God - wholly blameless, pure in love - allows, ordains, and sustains suffering. and not only that, but i see how he does so with only his glory - and our ultimate good - in mind. just because our world is built to operate on the principles of thriving and rejoicing in abundance but wallowing in need or trial does not mean we, in the end, define the truth of the matter. everything - every good thing - that i enjoy comes to me because of suffering.
ultimately, because of the planned suffering of Christ; everyday, because God tests those he loves.

...in the words of john piper, i don't need to fathom this mystery. i'm purely content to live with its truth.

eased and quenched and...achieved?

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 02:58:34 GMT

|| break from journal musings series ||

||from journal entry, july 26th

all my life i've heard contentment mentioned in conjuction with peaceful words...
solace. rest. waiting. ease. solitude. quiet joy. stillness. quenching.
but it has taken me all my life to realize that contentment is not a
state of being achieved by merely embracing any of those words.
honest contentment takes real, and hard, work.

the effort to every day stand before God, no matter what circumstances
he's allowed to surround you, and say, "it's all about you."
the struggle it is to kneel before God, when things are excrutiatingly difficult,
and say, "your will be done."
the soul-wrenching requirement, when every single thing you hold dear
is stripped away, to lay at his feet and say, "you've given, and you've taken away.
blessed be your name."
and then when you are there in his presence, having nothing in your hands but
your own sin and misery and short comings, bringing nothing
of any value before the throne, he cleanses your guilt-stained hands.
the moment your soul cries out...take this world, give me Jesus...

he's opened the eyes of your heart. and you see, clearly now, that contentment
was never something "achievable" on your own terms.
refining fires. true work of the spirit.
"if i live, i praise him. and if i die, i praise him."

there are no pronouns rich enough for that brand of contentment.

*humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God
so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all
your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
be sober-minded; be watchful.
your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion,
seeking someone to devour.
resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds
of suffering are being experienced by your
brotherhood throughout the world.
and after you have suffered a while,
the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ,
will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
to him be the dominion forever and ever. amen.

(1 peter 5:6-10)

the death of love.

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 04:28:52 GMT

| journal musings, part II |

...that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness and into his marvelous light.
Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had not received mercy,
but now you have received mercy.
He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness.
By his wounds you have been healed. | 1 Peter 2:9-10, 24 |

the mushy, physical-focused, Hollywood brand of love would find it hard to imagine anything as gruesome or humiliating as crucifixion as a sign of purest love. and not just a love that merely bypasses faults to muster a cheap imitation of devotion - true love; that is, contraconditional love.

love that does not merely prove true, even if sin does arise, but love that stands firm knowing sin is ever present, and knows that we, the object of such love, are fully unworthy. it's a love completely devoid of "perfomance-based"...because the single life and Act of one man released us as wrath-bearers and secured us as eternal heirs.

that is the kind of love worth making movies about.

...even as i look back on the closest i came to mirroring genuine love, i see how rudimentary and lacking it was, when set against the kind of love God was calling me to demonstrate. and i recognize, that it was not a lack of zeal or desire (to make that person more desperate for God as a result of my love for them), but a dire want of comprehension about love's real nature. i knew intimately the Savior, but did not know how to emulate him. and i acknowledge that it will take the rest of my life before i am able to love...oh, still imperfectly...in the fashion of my God.

(...now, if God loves perfectly, then how do i reconcile his supreme goodness with evidences of
supreme suffering?)

...clarification...

someone expressed confusion and concern over one of my statements in my previous post. this is due mostly to my poor explanation, and lack of expounding. in no way, shape or form did i imply or intend to imply that God obvioulsy loves me, when i love him.
i was directly quoting C.J. Mahaney on the first part of that line, when he said at NA '08 that, "God loves me, if I love God". what this is meant to show is God's initiation in this love relationship. or, to put it differently: "God must love me, if i am able to love God at all". And God must be the supreme value...if, because (and only because) i know him, i am valuable.

my profuse apologies if i came off in a new-aged, pseudo-hippie Christian fashion.

oh, to be adopted...

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 03:07:21 GMT

[ journal musings, part I ]

from Suffering and the Sovereignty of God:

"God himself is the great supreme value. Everything else that has any value has it by connection to God."

two friends, in the past few days, have encouraged me to remember a very simple truth - I am a daughter of God. it's something i would think would be fairly simple for me to remember. but obviously my sin allowed me to forget that fact, quite completely.

and as i read the first chapter of my book tonight, the above quotation was right there in the first few lines. anything that has any value, has it due to proximity and relation to Christ. I have worth...not because of any innate worth, but because of God's claim on my life. it makes me think back over the message at New Attitude, about the doctrine of adoption. quoting J.I. Packer: "to be right with God the judge is a great thing, but to be loved and cared for by God the Father is greater."

God loves me, if i love God. God is inherently valuable, if i have any worth. because in each case, it's because of his initiation, not my own. and because of my adoption, it is true to say: i am a daughter of God. and i am valuable.

He has foreknown before the foundation of the world but was made manifest in the last times for the sake of you who through him are believers in God, who raised him from the dead and gave him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God. | 1 peter 1: 20-21 |

hallelujah!...all i have is Christ
hallelulah!...Jesus is my life

(...and so, if i am a daughter of God, i must cling to the Scriptures of truth that testify to his worth and his love for me...)

an update of no real philosophical importance.

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 22:54:49 GMT

because two in two days would be overkill.

but here's what's been consumed in the name of "summer reading lists" so far:

1. 2. (nostalgia read) 3. (more nostalgia)

4. (re-read, of course) 5. 6.

still to come...and of course, for a true bibliophile, the list is never complete:

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

and for edification purposes...

7. 8.

i chalk it up to the menopausal summer weather we've had that i'm on such an historical fiction kick.

but either way, it's been good.

=update=

add The Silver Rose to my completed list. this is thanks to aiden's very unadorable habit of staying up far too late at night and making too much noise for -me- to sleep.

as a side note, apparently just about everyone from the medieval and/or victorian era had passionate (albeit complicated) love lives. and that's my nugget of wisdom for today.